A lifetime too less

The dream I had was so real.

I remember every face and every word spoken, it’s that surreal.

I think it’s a sign.

Funny how each day life shows me a sign.

Looks like the universe is preparing me for my biggest fear.

I can see it happening.

A premonition so strong, I know something’s going on.

I can feel it in my head.

I can feel it all around.

I can feel my world go upside down.

Will I be okay?

I don’t know.

I wasn’t okay in my dreams.

My hands were numb, my feet were cold.

I was trying my best to be very bold.

I trust the power of the universe.

I know it’s doing its best for me.

But I don’t trust myself.

I can be tough, I can be strong.

But at this point, it’s not like that at all.

I am a girl who can give a shit.

But for now, life’s shaken me up a bit.

Maybe I’ll see the light someday.

Maybe this dream won’t bother me someday.

I hope that that someday won’t be too far,

Coz I know that its going to take me a lifetime too less to heal this scar.

What were you thinking?

When your heart is screaming out loud,

But all you want to do is vanish in the crowd

When you know all you’ve done is right,
But there is no one to see the light

When you seek solace in chaos,
But there’s nothing left besides deep pathos

When you know you are walking on broken glass,

But still those wounds seem like they will never last

When you know in your head what’s black and white,
But you just don’t want to believe your plight

When you know it’s wrong to play the knife on yourself,
But you still choose to harm yourself

When you know you’ve been shown the door,
But you wait for another moment to hit the floor

When you know your mind has always yelled out loud,
But you’ve still chosen to go by your heart and fight it out

When you always knew the end,
But you still hoped you could find a mend

You know you are walking alone, my friend.

You’ve counted every tear,
And you’ve succumbed to all your fears

You’ve played with your heart,
And you’ve lost the game

You thought you would be okay,

What were you thinking, my friend?

Just curious, what were you thinking, my friend?

A moment of truth in your eyes

Ever found yourself question reality?
For some, the answers aren't a surprise. After all, what they planned for is what they have today.
A perfect life for sure.
I envy these guys from a distance. Though I am not yet convinced about living a no-surprise life.

Then again, for some, the answers are a shock. Don't know whether you can blame it on a living life at the edge attitude, a let life surprise me attitude, a don't plan things coz it makes god laugh attitude, or just sheer lack of foresight. Can't yet figure out, but what happens when decisions made with conviction go so wrong? You question reality forever, only to find yourself left unanswered.
I might sound ridiculously stupid, but I am proud of these guys.

I yet don't know which category I belong to. Diplomatically, I'd like to believe that I am a blend of both. Honestly, I am yet to accept who I am. Acceptance, they say is the path to a happy life, a balanced mind, and all those spiritually uplifting states. But, sadly, it doesn't come that easy.

Everybody loves denial. I guess its justified that when you can't accept, you deny. Makes life rather simple, isn't it? You convince yourself that decisions made by the heart are the best and the most honest ones. What happens when the same decisions turn out to be the most glaring mistakes of your life? Well, simple-you deny and move on! Denial comes that easy to us. Wish acceptance did too.

I sometimes wish human mind wasn't as powerful as it is. I swear by an intuitive mind. You succumb to pressure, to every need, to a weak moment. You fake your identity to be loved. You deny yourself with an honest moment with the real you, only to be accepted by anyone and everyone. Would I be wrong in believing that its a world of hypocrites? Its just the degree of hypocrisy that makes us special in a way we want.

Gosh! So many questions. Today, even living by a moment completely and honestly seems tough. Am I who I always wanted to be? I once read that fate gives you two options: one that you should take and the one you do. My first reaction was to deny and rubbish this theory. It's not for long that you can fake an identity to yourself. It took me a lot of self questioning, reasoning, battling, and convincing to actually accept this theory. Today, it makes perfect sense to me.

Its hard for me to conclude today. I began with a fear of self confrontation. Now, I am at a loss of words and a whole new bunch of questions that I hope to seek answers for. For starters, I admit being happy in my world of denial. It's a very comfortable zone that I am not yet ready to give up. Though I know, searching for the weirdest answers will calm my mind-Someday!